we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
