There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
