I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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