Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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