She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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