At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I met the friendliest cop last night
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
