I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
