Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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