Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
