I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
