She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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