i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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