please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
