I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
