On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
