no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My feet surprised me
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
