Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
