And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
