I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
