Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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