just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
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i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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