whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
