Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
