i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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