so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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