I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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