just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
