is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
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I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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