My liver just broke up with me...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
