When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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