i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
