sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
