There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
