Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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