The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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