this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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