I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
