he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
high people should be assigned attendants
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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