Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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