I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
