i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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