90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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