you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
