How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My underwear smells like fireworks.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
