My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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