...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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