my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
