Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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