She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
