who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
