i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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