just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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