i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
two words...techno handjob
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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