Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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