I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
