I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
