Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
