im six kinds of drunk right now
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize