Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
